什么也不想干，好像对一切事物都失去了兴趣。对未来感到惶恐不安，害怕选择出错让自己后悔。



2023.9.11

纠结，没有能力二者兼得，必须在 title 和研究兴趣之间取舍。如果选择研究兴趣，不知未来是否会因此遗憾。但不选择研究兴趣， 研究生活大概会过得不太开心吧。



2023.7.30

感觉自己不知不觉就被外部的力量推着前进，但和自己真的想做的事南辕北辙。虽然感觉也不是坏事…… 但我此刻真的有点恨这个读研成风气的地方。有时候我真的只想多陪陪家人，然后好好地学自己真的愿意学的知识， 做自己真的愿意做的事。我现在都做了些什么？但是我好像还是没有勇气去改变我莫名其妙做到这一步的选择。 或许以后我会干脆去做科研了，去终身学习，那确实也不坏。 但不是所有人都会一直等着我。

I don't know who is pushing me ahead, to somewhere unknown. Though maybe not bad... But is it really what I really really want? I hate it, where almost everyone is saying 'doing postgraduates good for you'. I don't want myself to be further developed just using a postgraduate certification. What the hell I did oh fxxx! Even I don't have courages to switch my choice. Blame to myself, I did no foresighting for my development, just like everyone. Only thing I can do is to do postgraduate and find the road, and waste another two or three years.

2023.6.12

大脑一片空白。

Brain blank.

2023.5.17

我有太多太多时间，却有更多更多想学的东西和想做的事。所以即便我有很多时间，我也必须取舍。

I still have bunches of time to waste, but more bunches of things want to do. I can't escape from trade-off.

2023.5.8

长途旅行没有事可做的时候总是会想睡觉。人都是这样，无聊的时候就想睡觉。家里的宠物也是。你不陪它玩， 带它活动的话，它或许最多闹腾几下，终究也是没有太多事可做的，然后也就无聊了，便开始睡觉。 白天你在忙时在睡，晚上也在睡。活动时间总是很少。是不是它们的生活就是像坐了一辈子的长途客车呢。

People get bored in a long trip. Cause just nothing to do. So do our house pets. If you don't take them out and play with them, they simply get bored. Pets can just stay at home, then sleep. Is their life always on a long trip?

2023.5.7

有时候抽开身用旁观者模式看自己，会感觉清净许多。但一旦附身回去，却又发现自己仍然在被一个又一个 DDL 推着行进。

Sometimes I take supervisor mode(not the term which in OS) to inspect myself I'll be freshed. But when spirit comes back, I found myself still pushed by endless deadlines.

2023.4.26

舅爷家里养了11年的小博美去世了。虽然是他们家的狗，但经常来我家串门住上几天几个月。今年过年回家时感觉它确实老了， 毛再也长不顺了。明明前一年还是一身光滑柔顺，好像一瞬间就变老了。看到消息时心里还咯噔一下，说走就走。 有一些怀念它正盛年，我在客厅搭积木，它围着不大的家整个跑来跑去消耗精力的时候。怀念哭着求家人在假期里带它过来住几天的时光。

My granduncle's cute Pomeranian died around her 11th birthday. Though granduncle's she had been living in my home time to time. I noticed her fading on the Chunjie of this year, with rough hair never become smooth again. To me, she was getting old like just in a moment. Yearning the days when I was playing building blocks in the living room, with she ran laps and laps in my small home. Also the days crying and begging my family to take her to my home on my weekends.

2023.4.19

想回家吃妈妈做的饭。

Miss mother's cooking.

2023.4.16

很多事情没有第二次机会。我们常常谈起 “下次”，或许自己也没有意识到这些只是空话。 最近打算把自己的所有电子设备的所有系统内容都调成纯英文，这样或许对熟悉英语口语和写作有点作用。

There are lots of things have no second chances. So when we talk to "next time", we may be talking about nothing. By the way, I'm going to use full English working environment from today on.

2023.3.31

明天就第一次去上海了，心情挺复杂。毕竟不是因为旅游而去，而好像把旅游当成目的了。最近确实不太放松得下。或许出去一趟能让我不那么焦虑，暂时远离焦虑。

Next day'll be my first trip to Shanghai. Somehow nervous. Seems that I 'm considering this trip a vacation though it's not. Feeling anxious these days, maybe a long trip could recover my situation.

2023.3.23

有一段时间我觉得电子书比纸质书更方便，我不太看得进去是因为我还不习惯。习惯到后来，还是觉得只有阅读纸质的东西才更能让人静下心来。

There were days I thought e-book is more convenient than paperback, thus thinking it hard to read for me was just because I was not used to. However as time went on, I found that only paperback gives me tranquility.

2023.3.22

原本想把以前写的东西提炼了搬过来，但总感觉没什么好提炼的，那样就不能标注是当时写的了吧。倒不如把它们收起来重新开始，或者等这里什么时候可以归档了再搬。

I was thinking about extracting former diaries here but gave up. Maybe just keep them local or extract when archive is avaliable here.

2023.3.22